Blech

This is a totally selfish post. I'm hurting so bad right now and I need to get this out.

After having one week of sheer happiness over being pregnant and one week of a huge roller coaster, I lost our baby. It's gone. I miss it so much. I miss being nauseated. I miss the tender bb's and being so tired that I'd fall asleep whenever I sat still long enough. I'm so dad gummed sick of this. I hate my stupid body. The doctor thinks that my miscarriage was related to the RA. She thinks my immune system either attacked the baby or my clotting factors were the problem or both. It hurts.

I've been so clingy to Bryant all weekend. I just wanted him to hold me. I miss him so much right now. I wish that his coworker wouldn't have had a doctor's appointment today so that he could've stayed home with me. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone but him. I just can't talk about it. My emotions are all over the place and I can't tell whether I'm going to somehow feel like crying, cussing or what.

I was so excited to be nauseated. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to have a normal pregnancy and to be able to bring home a healthy baby in October. I wanted this baby more than I wanted to feel good. Instead, I've been in pain for 3 days. I'm mourning another baby. And I hurt. I hurt. And to know that I don't have my baby with me anymore because my stupid immune system is so screwed up makes it hurt worse.

I have had a lot of support from my wonderful friends. I'm so grateful for you. It helps both B and me a lot to know that I have your support and love. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm also grateful to have a wonderful husband who doesn't blame me, even when I blame myself.

I found out that comfort foods don't comfort me anymore. They just make me sick. At least I know that my body was healthier than it ever has been and complains when I'm not good to it.