Gratitude seems to bring opposition

This week sucked more than I can say. Our chiropractor's mom passed away on Monday. He's a good friend of ours, otherwise, we wouldn't drive clear to Draper at rush hour to see him. My heart breaks for him. I started thinking about how I miss my own mama and how I felt when I lost her. I still feel her with me at times.

Then, on Tuesday, I got kicked out of the EAGeR study-the one about the effects of low dose aspirin on conception and pregnancy. I already had the monitor and test sticks and all the stuff they gave me. I guess they found out that I was just diagnosed with RA. The doctor decided I would be ineligible for the study because of it. That really broke my heart. I was so excited about it.

Not ten minutes after I got off the phone with the nurse who had just told me I had to bring all my stuff back (I couldn't even keep the cheap $2 tote bag they gave me), B came home and told me that Elisha had gone into labor. He can't help but feel that it should've been us. Because I'm not used to seeing him upset about anything, let alone about us not having a baby, I lost it. I started thinking about my pain, my losses, letting my husband down, etc.

So, we decided we wouldn't go to the inlaws' for Thanksgiving. I mean, we are still fighting bad colds. We could just relax at home. I started spotting that day. That was a tough blow to an already stressed out and emotional woman. Then, B's dad called and said that Elisha's baby was up here at Primary Children's Hospital because of a heart murmur. I was confused. Aren't heart murmurs fairly normal in newborns? We had to go meet him at the hospital to pick up computers for B to fix. He tried to drag us inside. I couldn't do it. Not only was I already an emotional basketcase, but I'd started spotting. I hate af. Bryant went in and I stayed in the car. We found out later that the reason they were keeping the baby is that he has some sort of infection, probably strep, because Elisha tested positive for it. He's still there. B's dad stayed with us last night.

Now, af is here full force. I'm sick, bloated, depressed and cranky. So what are we going to do today? We're going to have our Christmas pictures taken! Isn't that just a grand idea?

Thanksgiving ended up nicely, though. We met our friend Heidi, her daughter Pyper and her mom Holly at Little America (her husband Brian couldn't come, he's sick too) for dinner. Not the buffet, the other restaurant. It was a nice visit. And we got our office cleaned up and organized for the first time EVER! That's exciting!

I'm grateful for the last 3 years and how my husband and I have grown so close. I can't remember what it was like without him. He's my rock, my anchor, my love and my hero. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father brought us together in the spring of 2005. So, our first date wasn't until summer, but we got to know each other a little after we met in May.

Give Thanks

After my last post, I remembered that my wallpaper on this blog says Give Thanks. I do try to always be grateful. Sometimes are harder than others. I have been tired and run down and those times are the hardest. At least I know that the others in my training class are feeling the same things I am. We were talking about that today.

I am not continuing with school. I have given it much thought, prayer and consideration. I cannot justify going into debt further for a career that I don't think I can tolerate. I have developed a really bad allergy to dogs. I can't touch one with my bare skin without breaking into hives. And it's even gone through my pants. I feel awful about it. But, at least I know now instead of a year from now. It breaks my heart to have such an allergy. I grew up with dogs and have never been allergic before. Only if I rubbed my eye without washing my hands after petting them. Ugh! I love what I've learned. It's been wonderful. I've even made a couple friends. I doubt we'll keep in contact, but they helped make classes more tolerable.

I'm doing better in training. I'm so grateful to have found this job. I am excited about being able to work from home. I will continue that indefinitely. I need to focus on my weight loss. It's my number one priority. So, my job will be working out, eating right and data entry from home.

I am going to start making a list of the things I'm grateful for. It could span several pages.

Crappy Week

I'm exhausted, frustrated and irritable on most respects right now. I have not been able to exercise all week because of this new schedule. I just can't figure out how I'm supposed to get my workouts in for the next few weeks. I don't even have enough time in the mornings to do my cardio. I prefer to do cardio in the morning. But, I can't drag myself out of bed any earlier than I already do. And I need to exercise on an empty stomach. I get sick if I go right after I eat. I don't want to go at 9pm. I didn't eat well this week, either.

I don't like the time of the training at all. They split my day so that I can't get anything done. It's a 30 minute drive to get there and a 30 minute drive home. I don't get a decent meal until 3pm. And, they won't give me any wrist rests. My hands and wrists are sore from all the data entry we're doing for training. The good news is that I know what I'm doing. Guess my past work experience for United Healthcare has come in handy.

That school up north has another opening (or is it the same one because the person they hired didn't work out?) for the job B applied for in September.He applied again. I'm kind of feeling like, "Here we go again." Eyeroll. I'm willing to bet that the reason I feel this way is that I'm exhausted, frustrated and irritable. I want him to get the job. I want out of this awful city. OK, this city isn't awful by city standards, but I HATE living in a city. I want to be in a small town again. I long for it. I just don't want us to be disappointed and downtrodden if he doesn't get it again this time. B called and they guy was encouraging. To that, I think, "Yeah, he was encouraging before, too." I hate being so cynical. If he gets an interview, I probably won't be able to go because of that training. And they listed the job starting on December 1. And they're not closing it until November 18! They cut it way too close! I'm not done with my training until December 5, at the earliest. We'll work something out.

OK, end of rant. Thanks for listening.

Another week, another pound

I lost a pound a week these past two weeks. At this rate, it will take me forever! At least I was down this week. I was afraid I would gain because of AF and the fact that I didn't eat as well. I can wear the clothes I wore when B and I were first married. Woohoo!

I'm back on the wagon, though. I went to the gym for the first time since June. I kicked my butt. My chest and biceps are starting to get sore.

B and I went to his cousin's baby blessing on Sunday. I really enjoyed being with his family. This cousin lives in Tooele and he and his wife have always been so kind to me. I am so glad that I feel so much better. Otherwise, I wouldn't have wanted to go, let alone had fun. Everyone noticed my weight loss. Of course, that made me feel even better! :) B and I represented his immediate family since his parents couldn't be there.

B wants to go to his parents for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'm ok with that, of course, but I'm afraid of how seeing his sister with her baby will affect me. My last loss was due today. If she told me correctly, then her baby would be due in the next week or so. I'm not mad about her being pregnant anymore. That baby will be my neice or nephew. What worries me is how I will handle seeing that baby so much, knowing that we would've had one the same age. *sigh*