Awesome Dreams

I have felt like a complete failure at my attempts to be a mother. Yesterday morning, after having endured a terrible Saturday at the ER at the big IHC Hospital in Murray undergoing all kinds of tests for a heart attack and then blood clots, I had a mini-breakdown about time church was starting. Don't worry, I'm ok. Most likely, it was an anxiety attack, brought on by my heartbreak over losing another baby. Anyhow, I started bawling and telling Bryant that I was a failure. He offered much support and assurance that I was in no way a failure. I have such a wonderful husband.

Well, as he held me after I stopped crying, I fell asleep. I have this brief memory of seeing B get a little boy out of our car. He was about a year old. He was gorgeous. He had curly reddish brown hair and looked exactly like B in the face. I went over to take him from his dad. The sun was shining and we were surrounded by nature. I felt such peace and happiness. It was such a special moment when I woke up and realized what I had seen.

This morning, I was exhausted from our getting home so late last night. I stayed in bed when B went to work. I had another dream. I was lying in bed, trying to get a quick nap. I guess I had dozed off, because I woke up to see B standing by a crib that was against the wall by our bed. He had come home for lunch. I got up and walked over to him as we looked at our little newborn. He had curly brown hair. We gazed at him with so much love. I laughed and said, "He sleeps all the time. We never get to play with him. Of course, that should change soon."

I can't tell you how much peace those dreams have brought me. I have never had so many vivid dreams about babies. Especially that I can remember so many details. Whenever I get stressed out about my losses, I need to focus on this hope. I'm sure the dreams were given to me to help me find that hope again.