3 Losses and a Baby

I've had a rough couple of days. I was hurt, then angry, then depressed and now I'm numb. I guess it's the cycle of grief. I've had added reason to grieve for my last loss. Seems that right after my last m/c, my SIL got herself pregnant. That's a huge blow for me and B. We're trying to deal with it, but it's very hard for us right now. It should be us having the baby. My heart is broken. I've spent the past few weeks preparing myself for an announcement from my friend at work that she's having her second baby - and she got married a year after I did (I had a dream that she was). Of course, she's not, but my SIL is, which is worse. I'd rather it be my cw. Phhhtt!

I was already hoping against hope that I get pregnant this cycle. Now, I'm hoping even more. I'm not expecting it. I mean, I never get what I really want in a timely manner. It always takes forever and a lot of heartbreak to get there. Like finding B. Took 6 years and I had a lot of heartaches along the way. And a teaching job. It took 4 years of substitute teaching to find a job that didn't require me to be a football coach. Now, the only thing I want is a baby and everybody I know has had one and I'm still waiting. It's so frustrating.

My temps are all weird. It's probably from the progesterone. I have to use it because of my estrogen dominance. I don't even know if my temps will tell me if I ovulated or not. I hope I did. I was having some funky cramps around my right ovary yesterday and my cp is high. I've had watery cm. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I hope af doesn't show. I'll freak out, but I want that sticky bfp this cycle. That would set a lot of things straight for me.

I know I haven't lost all the weight I wanted to by now, but I'm as strong as I was when I was skinny and I'm in really good shape. I can handle a pregnancy a lot better than I would've handled the last 3. Please, please, please.