Oh, boy!

100mg of Clomid! Yikes! I'm transforming into a monster! When I took it for a couple of months in 2007 to get my hormones back in balance, I was so cranky. I've only taken two doses and I'm already all snippy. I have a headache and I can't count the number of times I've snapped at people. I also caught myself whining. I must get a hold of myself! Isn't there an easier way of checking my egg reserves?

I went to a fertility specialist last week and he decided to do this clomid challenge. Somehow, it's more involved than just measuring FSH on CD3. I also have a 2 hour glucose test and an SSG on Tuesday. Bryant will be doing a chromosome test that day. No SA because he's had that done already. Men have it so easy. Blech!

I was chastised by my boss yesterday. Apparently, with the sausage I had where my thumb was supposed to be, I couldn't type for 5-6 hours each day. And since I'm an airhead, I forgot to contact my team lead to tell her I couldn't work. Oh, well. I won't forget again. My attitude still stinks. And my thumb still hurts. The cortisone shot hurt like heck and made it worse. It's still swollen. I'm hoping it will just take a couple more days to get better. I'm getting pretty good hitting the spacebar with my left thumb.

Bryant and I have decided that we don't need to live here anymore. I could write a novel about why we don't like living in SLC. Where are we going? No idea. Guess we'll have to keep praying and thinking. Idaho sounds good to both of us. We just have to go somewhere that he can find a good paying job. I still think that guy at BYU-I is an idiot for passing him over. There were things I still needed to learn here, like the raw foods stuff and giving up meat. That's probably why he didn't get the job, but we still would rather be in Rexburg. I wish he'd get a job with the church ICS dept. down in Riverton. I wouldn't mind living in the south part of the valley again. Stay tuned. We'll figure out something.

Awesome Dreams

I have felt like a complete failure at my attempts to be a mother. Yesterday morning, after having endured a terrible Saturday at the ER at the big IHC Hospital in Murray undergoing all kinds of tests for a heart attack and then blood clots, I had a mini-breakdown about time church was starting. Don't worry, I'm ok. Most likely, it was an anxiety attack, brought on by my heartbreak over losing another baby. Anyhow, I started bawling and telling Bryant that I was a failure. He offered much support and assurance that I was in no way a failure. I have such a wonderful husband.

Well, as he held me after I stopped crying, I fell asleep. I have this brief memory of seeing B get a little boy out of our car. He was about a year old. He was gorgeous. He had curly reddish brown hair and looked exactly like B in the face. I went over to take him from his dad. The sun was shining and we were surrounded by nature. I felt such peace and happiness. It was such a special moment when I woke up and realized what I had seen.

This morning, I was exhausted from our getting home so late last night. I stayed in bed when B went to work. I had another dream. I was lying in bed, trying to get a quick nap. I guess I had dozed off, because I woke up to see B standing by a crib that was against the wall by our bed. He had come home for lunch. I got up and walked over to him as we looked at our little newborn. He had curly brown hair. We gazed at him with so much love. I laughed and said, "He sleeps all the time. We never get to play with him. Of course, that should change soon."

I can't tell you how much peace those dreams have brought me. I have never had so many vivid dreams about babies. Especially that I can remember so many details. Whenever I get stressed out about my losses, I need to focus on this hope. I'm sure the dreams were given to me to help me find that hope again.

My New Background

I wanted to do St. Patrick's Day, but this background just called out to me, soothing my aching soul. I feel like it represents the calm peace that I seek and find glimpses of. I want to be able to grab hold and not let it get away....

Blech

This is a totally selfish post. I'm hurting so bad right now and I need to get this out.

After having one week of sheer happiness over being pregnant and one week of a huge roller coaster, I lost our baby. It's gone. I miss it so much. I miss being nauseated. I miss the tender bb's and being so tired that I'd fall asleep whenever I sat still long enough. I'm so dad gummed sick of this. I hate my stupid body. The doctor thinks that my miscarriage was related to the RA. She thinks my immune system either attacked the baby or my clotting factors were the problem or both. It hurts.

I've been so clingy to Bryant all weekend. I just wanted him to hold me. I miss him so much right now. I wish that his coworker wouldn't have had a doctor's appointment today so that he could've stayed home with me. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone but him. I just can't talk about it. My emotions are all over the place and I can't tell whether I'm going to somehow feel like crying, cussing or what.

I was so excited to be nauseated. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to have a normal pregnancy and to be able to bring home a healthy baby in October. I wanted this baby more than I wanted to feel good. Instead, I've been in pain for 3 days. I'm mourning another baby. And I hurt. I hurt. And to know that I don't have my baby with me anymore because my stupid immune system is so screwed up makes it hurt worse.

I have had a lot of support from my wonderful friends. I'm so grateful for you. It helps both B and me a lot to know that I have your support and love. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm also grateful to have a wonderful husband who doesn't blame me, even when I blame myself.

I found out that comfort foods don't comfort me anymore. They just make me sick. At least I know that my body was healthier than it ever has been and complains when I'm not good to it.

Feelin' the love

I don't know why I'm so excited for Valentine's Day. With my luck, it will be my team's turn to work. But, I'm looking forward to it - Valentine's Day, not work. Maybe it's because I'm feeling more optimistic and more love from others than I've felt in a long time.

I started the Enbrel on Dec. 31. Already, the rheumatoid nodule (or nubbin, as they are affectionately, and humorously, called by some friends) on my right elbow is practically non-existent. It wasn't very big, but now it's hard to find. The ones on my thumb are half the size they were and I've noticed one of the ones on my left elbow is considerably smaller! So far, I :heart: Enbrel!

And the vegan diet is going really well. I feel better every day. If only I didn't have the progesterone mood swings from you know where, but I guess that's a good sign. My moods were swinging before I started the cream and I had a nice, big temp spike the day I ovulated. I lost 3 pounds this week so far. I've really noticed it around my waist, shoulders and arms. I'm stoked!

Now, getting enough sleep is going to have to become more of a priority....

Feeling good...

I have to say that the past 10 days have been much easier than I thought they would be. Giving up meat wasn't bad. I actually feel really good. Especially since the past few days, I have increased my veggie intake, along with adding new seeds to my salads. I have noticed that I'm eating a lot of bread, though. Oh, how I love bread. I will weigh again on Monday. I hope the bread intake doesn't hurt me.

Sprouting seeds and nuts is so easy. And they taste so good! Processed foods have lost their appeal to me. They don't taste good at all. Even B has noticed that. He no longer craves Wendy's or other fast food. Not even pizza. Even though he has been eating meat, he is getting more veggies, and hasn't complained about it.

And I think I've almost kicked my headaches. I had very little sugar yesterday and none so far today. I'm hoping that will continue to help. Sprouted flax seed helps to control hormones and I think that has helped my headaches tremendously.

I did give myself my Enbrel shot on Wednesday. It was easier this time, since I knew what to expect. It hurts a little. I wonder if that's because it's cold. I might try to let it warm up to room temperature next time. That substitute nurse didn't fax in my paperwork to Enbrel for my free month supply of the meds the way she was supposed to. My doctor's real nurse was ticked off about that. I have to go on Monday and fill it out again and then pick up the free meds by Wednesday.

No Progress?

I haven't had a bite of meat since last Tuesday. I was challenged to go one week without meat and see how I feel. Overall, I feel much better. My stomach doesn't have the tenseness and pain it did before. I feel like I have a bit more energy. My body is not working so hard just to digest my food. I have found that sprouted seeds and nuts are my friends. They taste much better than I thought they would.

So why did I step on the scales today and see that I've gained 2 pounds since Thursday? I wonder what I ate to do that? I had cake and ice cream on my birthday, but surely it wouldn't have made me gain weight. I did feel kind of bloated today. I hope that's all it is.

Boy, am I sleepy. I really hate these sleeping habits B and I have kept these past few weeks. We really need to get into bed earlier. It's driving me insane.