Quick Update

I thought I would update in case there is anyone out there wondering how I'm doing. :)

I'm 10 weeks today. We've had a total of 3 ultrasounds and each time, the baby's heartbeat went up. It started at 115, then was 136 and the last one on the 20th, it was 175! We're so happy! The doctor thinks that the baby is doing perfect and that, with my history of early losses and how well the baby is doing now, I have a 99% chance of having a full-term baby. He was so impressed, that after our appointment and ultrasound on June 4, he's going to release me back to my regular OB. That's such a relief to me! I didn't like having to see a high risk doctor. I know it's because of my previous losses and I want to do everything I can to have this baby. My OB is 3 miles away and we wanted to have the baby at LDS Hospital, since it's about 2 miles away instead of driving all the way to Murray when it can take forever to get there, depending on the time of day.

I've struggled with morning sickness and haven't been on the computer much. Actually, it turned into all day sickness, with it being worst at nights. It still is worse at night, but it's not nearly as bad. I'm really grateful for the reprieve. I'm still wiped out. In fact, I'm going to bed right now. :)

I think I'm ready

Since we've told all our parents and grandparents, and things are going really great this time, I think I'm ready to blog about how we're getting the best Christmas present ever! I'm pregnant and we're due just before Christmas!

Last Thursday, we went to my RE's office for an ultrasound. I had been praying that we'd see the heartbeat (even though it was still kind of early, 6weeks 2days) and that the baby would be measuring ahead. Guess what!?! We got to see and hear the precious heartbeat - 115bpm, which is very good. And the baby was measuring 6weeks 5days - 3 days ahead!

We feel very optimistic this time around. We've never made it this far. The farthest we've gotten was with the first one. We thought we were over 7 weeks, but the ultrasound showed that the baby hadn't developed much over 5. To see and hear the heartbeat made me bawl like a baby. We're so happy. This one is going to make it.

My due date, according to my chart or cycle, was December 22. But with the baby measuring ahead, it's now December 19. That will give us a little more time to have the baby and get home by Christmas. lol But, I expect the baby will come when he or she's ready. Bryant joked that we've put in our order with the stork and asked for a boy, but either will do nicely. I have a feeling he's a boy, but I am not sure. I really don't care. I just want a healthy baby to hold in my arms come December.

I'm supposed to be working, but I'm struggling with that. I've had a lot of nausea and fatigue. Combine that with pregnancy brain and I'm in a lot of trouble. I can't think of or remember anything lately. I feel like if I just stayed in bed, I'd be doing good.

Today, I'm 7weeks 2 days. Less than 5 weeks until I'm in the 2nd trimester. I'm seeing a maternal fetal medicine doctor. I have another appointment with him and an ultrasound tomorrow. I'm excited to see what he says.

This is going to be a crazy week. Josh is getting married on Friday. Mandy, his fiance, is getting her endowment in the Provo Temple tomorrow and G&G Duerden are supposed to be staying with us Wednesday night. No house cleaning got done over the weekend. Can anyone come help? Between the smell of the dishes and the super tiredness, I can't get anything done anymore. And I'm so happy for all of it!

This is what we all need

Just think, we could be free of disease without medicine. Medicine just relieves symptoms and often causes other problems. What if there was a simple way to solve most of your health problems with food? Would you change? What Americans are eating today is killing them. I want to share my knowledge with everyone, but this is the best I can do for now. For the time being, check out this petition. It's a step in the right direction. Obama's health care "plan" is not the way to go. It's all wrong. We just need to take care of ourselves by eating the right foods and exercising.



I'm the first to admit that the sadness and irritation I've felt this last month and a half have been because I started eating junk food again to soothe my emotional pain. Once I cut it out again, I'm feeling much better. Read The China Study, ask me for more info, or do something. We don't have to suffer. It's our own choice. I'd rather live a long and healthy life than die early from eating processed, dead food. The health problems I created for myself by eating poorly all went away when I eat right(except the RA, I still don't know what to do with autoimmune diseases. They are tricky. I just know to stay away from milk!).

Check it out. I'm through with my sermon. :)

Oh, boy!

100mg of Clomid! Yikes! I'm transforming into a monster! When I took it for a couple of months in 2007 to get my hormones back in balance, I was so cranky. I've only taken two doses and I'm already all snippy. I have a headache and I can't count the number of times I've snapped at people. I also caught myself whining. I must get a hold of myself! Isn't there an easier way of checking my egg reserves?

I went to a fertility specialist last week and he decided to do this clomid challenge. Somehow, it's more involved than just measuring FSH on CD3. I also have a 2 hour glucose test and an SSG on Tuesday. Bryant will be doing a chromosome test that day. No SA because he's had that done already. Men have it so easy. Blech!

I was chastised by my boss yesterday. Apparently, with the sausage I had where my thumb was supposed to be, I couldn't type for 5-6 hours each day. And since I'm an airhead, I forgot to contact my team lead to tell her I couldn't work. Oh, well. I won't forget again. My attitude still stinks. And my thumb still hurts. The cortisone shot hurt like heck and made it worse. It's still swollen. I'm hoping it will just take a couple more days to get better. I'm getting pretty good hitting the spacebar with my left thumb.

Bryant and I have decided that we don't need to live here anymore. I could write a novel about why we don't like living in SLC. Where are we going? No idea. Guess we'll have to keep praying and thinking. Idaho sounds good to both of us. We just have to go somewhere that he can find a good paying job. I still think that guy at BYU-I is an idiot for passing him over. There were things I still needed to learn here, like the raw foods stuff and giving up meat. That's probably why he didn't get the job, but we still would rather be in Rexburg. I wish he'd get a job with the church ICS dept. down in Riverton. I wouldn't mind living in the south part of the valley again. Stay tuned. We'll figure out something.

Awesome Dreams

I have felt like a complete failure at my attempts to be a mother. Yesterday morning, after having endured a terrible Saturday at the ER at the big IHC Hospital in Murray undergoing all kinds of tests for a heart attack and then blood clots, I had a mini-breakdown about time church was starting. Don't worry, I'm ok. Most likely, it was an anxiety attack, brought on by my heartbreak over losing another baby. Anyhow, I started bawling and telling Bryant that I was a failure. He offered much support and assurance that I was in no way a failure. I have such a wonderful husband.

Well, as he held me after I stopped crying, I fell asleep. I have this brief memory of seeing B get a little boy out of our car. He was about a year old. He was gorgeous. He had curly reddish brown hair and looked exactly like B in the face. I went over to take him from his dad. The sun was shining and we were surrounded by nature. I felt such peace and happiness. It was such a special moment when I woke up and realized what I had seen.

This morning, I was exhausted from our getting home so late last night. I stayed in bed when B went to work. I had another dream. I was lying in bed, trying to get a quick nap. I guess I had dozed off, because I woke up to see B standing by a crib that was against the wall by our bed. He had come home for lunch. I got up and walked over to him as we looked at our little newborn. He had curly brown hair. We gazed at him with so much love. I laughed and said, "He sleeps all the time. We never get to play with him. Of course, that should change soon."

I can't tell you how much peace those dreams have brought me. I have never had so many vivid dreams about babies. Especially that I can remember so many details. Whenever I get stressed out about my losses, I need to focus on this hope. I'm sure the dreams were given to me to help me find that hope again.

My New Background

I wanted to do St. Patrick's Day, but this background just called out to me, soothing my aching soul. I feel like it represents the calm peace that I seek and find glimpses of. I want to be able to grab hold and not let it get away....

Blech

This is a totally selfish post. I'm hurting so bad right now and I need to get this out.

After having one week of sheer happiness over being pregnant and one week of a huge roller coaster, I lost our baby. It's gone. I miss it so much. I miss being nauseated. I miss the tender bb's and being so tired that I'd fall asleep whenever I sat still long enough. I'm so dad gummed sick of this. I hate my stupid body. The doctor thinks that my miscarriage was related to the RA. She thinks my immune system either attacked the baby or my clotting factors were the problem or both. It hurts.

I've been so clingy to Bryant all weekend. I just wanted him to hold me. I miss him so much right now. I wish that his coworker wouldn't have had a doctor's appointment today so that he could've stayed home with me. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone but him. I just can't talk about it. My emotions are all over the place and I can't tell whether I'm going to somehow feel like crying, cussing or what.

I was so excited to be nauseated. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to have a normal pregnancy and to be able to bring home a healthy baby in October. I wanted this baby more than I wanted to feel good. Instead, I've been in pain for 3 days. I'm mourning another baby. And I hurt. I hurt. And to know that I don't have my baby with me anymore because my stupid immune system is so screwed up makes it hurt worse.

I have had a lot of support from my wonderful friends. I'm so grateful for you. It helps both B and me a lot to know that I have your support and love. Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm also grateful to have a wonderful husband who doesn't blame me, even when I blame myself.

I found out that comfort foods don't comfort me anymore. They just make me sick. At least I know that my body was healthier than it ever has been and complains when I'm not good to it.