Could this be the answer?

Autoimmune diseases suck in so many ways. Especially RA. I mean, not just the pain. Why did my body turn on itself? Why are my cells attacking my joints and anything else it can? Ugh! I'm actually pretty optimistic right now, but I can't help but wonder what went wrong.

When I found out exactly what the process was that is involved with RA, I started asking a lot of questions. I mean, what is the problem with my T-cells? Why do they keep dumping all the antibodies into my system and attacking in a random way? Could this be why I have had a miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies? I mean, I know that I am supposed to have children and why do I not have them yet? It's been 3 years. I've been promised in multiple blessings that I will have my own children in this life. Could my T-cells be attacking my baby? Is that why my pregnancies have never progressed?

The answer is yes. Now I mourn all the losses that may have been that I did not know about. My immune system has always been super good at what it does. Typically, I heal quickly and efficiently. Doctors have always commented about that. And there have been several studies that I have run across that found that women with autoimmune diseases have a higher risk at miscarriage, or the fertilized egg never implanting properly because the immune system attacks it since it contains foreign genetic material from the father. So, I have to suppress my immune system before I can carry a baby to term.

I'm glad to know the answer, but am sad that it took this long to figure it out. I pray that as I begin Enbrel this week, B and I will be able to come to terms with this new information and that this will be the answer to our prayers.

And, I'm researching something new. I'm considering gradually becoming vegan. I can't believe I'm even considering it. I love meat. Steak is my favorite. That's my Popa's doing. He loved his steaks. We charcoal grilled them whenever we got a chance. As you may know, I prefer holistic approaches for health problems to most Western medicine. I don't believe that taking a pill will cure your problem. It usually creates new ones. We have friends who are not only vegans, but they eat all raw. They overcame huge health problems that way. We spent a couple hours with them yesterday and told us a lot of what they know. We left feeling a little overwhelmed, but I felt like I'd found what I was looking for. I don't like the idea of taking Enbrel for long. I wondered how I can naturally get my body to stop attacking itself. Craig challenged me to give up meat for one week and to see how I feel. We can get our protein from plants as easily as getting it from meat. I'm praying and researching those options right now. The food they gave us to taste was delicious. And she lost 100 pounds eating like that and she eats all she wants and doesn't gain anything.

I've been so blessed these past several weeks since I got back to my spiritual journey. I feel like I've been led in so many things. I will move forward in faith, with a smile on my face and great and strong purpose in my heart. I know that God works miracles, all it takes is just a little faith to get us started.

A year of stress....

I've had the opportunity the past few days to reflect on my life this past year. I think I can sum it up all in one word...stress.

My job stressed me out more than I could ever imagine. I can't believe that it did. I mean, working for the LDS Church is supposed to be Heaven, right? Everyone is righteous and all walk around with halos on their heads and are the most spiritual people in the world. Why would I possibly be stressed out? Wasn't that the ideal job situation?

Uh, no. I utter no words of criticism towards the LDS Church. I love the church. I still know that it's true. I don't doubt that. It's the people. We're not perfect. Even the ones who think they are...well, aren't. Those were the hardest ones to work with. Everyone had a job to do and they did it, quite often not thinking about the effect the WAY they did their job effected other people. B told me that if my manager ever left, that I should go right after. I should've done so in June when Doug left. Lord knows things went downhill from there.

Well, now that we've established the source of my stress, I looked to see how I handled it. My conclusion is: VERY badly. I turned into the wicked witch of the West. I said things to people that I never before would've said. I was negative, pessimistic, pissy...oh, did I mention, obnoxious? I behaved badly. I judged people when they judged me, sometimes even if they didn't judge me. I thought that maybe if I judged first, it would take the irritation of being judged away. Now, I'm becoming my own therapist.

The bottom line is that I strayed so far from who I am and what I believe I should be that it made me quite intolerable. I'm so blessed to have come through all this still clinging to the love of my friends and that they still love me.

I have made some resolutions. I know it's not the new year yet and that doesn't matter. I make resolutions whenever I feel like it and resolutions are needed. I am now studying my scriptures daily, praying more often, listening to more uplifting music and talks/books/etc and curbing my complaining. I am going to watch less TV (which includes the news), focus on my spirituality more and feed myself more positive thoughts.

I really must get back to who I really am. I'm afraid of who I've become. I really didn't like it when my friend told me that I complain all the time and she thought that was who I am. Really? ALL the time? I must be more positive. I am going back to my favorite quote and live it more fully. "Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart." Gordon B. Hinckley. Yes, that is who I used to be. I shall be that person once again.

Oh, and just to clarify, I've never been one of those annoyingly perky Molly Mormons and I don't ever intend to be. In fact, if I do become like that, please give me a swift kick in the ass. :)

I Made It

I actually made a decision. It's been one of the most difficult one I've had to make in a long time. After much debating and research, I finally decided to pray about it and, after finding out my copay on the $1,500 drug is only $20, I need to start the Enbrel. My appointment with my rheumatologist is on the 19th. I'll tell her then and we'll get started. I hate taking medicine. I have to be hurting pretty badly to even take Advil. Even though I'm having such mild symptoms (nothing like the total pain I had months ago), I know that the disease is eating away at my joints. I feel so helpless knowing that my body has turned on itself. I feel better knowing why my immune system is attacking my joints, but I don't like it any better.

I don't want to end up crippled because of damage from the inflammation. My ankle has been very sore lately and I've had mild pain in my hands. Probably the change in the weather. My doc told me that my rheumatoid nodules will go away with the medication, too. That will be another relief because they hurt.

This week has been busy. I finished training on Wednesday. I have been without internet since then because my thin client won't play nice with our network. It was either work or internet and I had to sacrifice my internet because I had to work. Right now, my thin client is not connected. B will contact the company's tech support on Monday to get it to work with our network.

B and I raked leaves at our stake center tonight. It took us 3 hours. I've never raked so much in my life. Every inch of my body hurt. I actually took 4 Advil because I hurt so badly. (I'm also still sore from the tough Tae Bo workout from yesterday.) I'm glad we did it. Service always makes us feel better.

Gratitude seems to bring opposition

This week sucked more than I can say. Our chiropractor's mom passed away on Monday. He's a good friend of ours, otherwise, we wouldn't drive clear to Draper at rush hour to see him. My heart breaks for him. I started thinking about how I miss my own mama and how I felt when I lost her. I still feel her with me at times.

Then, on Tuesday, I got kicked out of the EAGeR study-the one about the effects of low dose aspirin on conception and pregnancy. I already had the monitor and test sticks and all the stuff they gave me. I guess they found out that I was just diagnosed with RA. The doctor decided I would be ineligible for the study because of it. That really broke my heart. I was so excited about it.

Not ten minutes after I got off the phone with the nurse who had just told me I had to bring all my stuff back (I couldn't even keep the cheap $2 tote bag they gave me), B came home and told me that Elisha had gone into labor. He can't help but feel that it should've been us. Because I'm not used to seeing him upset about anything, let alone about us not having a baby, I lost it. I started thinking about my pain, my losses, letting my husband down, etc.

So, we decided we wouldn't go to the inlaws' for Thanksgiving. I mean, we are still fighting bad colds. We could just relax at home. I started spotting that day. That was a tough blow to an already stressed out and emotional woman. Then, B's dad called and said that Elisha's baby was up here at Primary Children's Hospital because of a heart murmur. I was confused. Aren't heart murmurs fairly normal in newborns? We had to go meet him at the hospital to pick up computers for B to fix. He tried to drag us inside. I couldn't do it. Not only was I already an emotional basketcase, but I'd started spotting. I hate af. Bryant went in and I stayed in the car. We found out later that the reason they were keeping the baby is that he has some sort of infection, probably strep, because Elisha tested positive for it. He's still there. B's dad stayed with us last night.

Now, af is here full force. I'm sick, bloated, depressed and cranky. So what are we going to do today? We're going to have our Christmas pictures taken! Isn't that just a grand idea?

Thanksgiving ended up nicely, though. We met our friend Heidi, her daughter Pyper and her mom Holly at Little America (her husband Brian couldn't come, he's sick too) for dinner. Not the buffet, the other restaurant. It was a nice visit. And we got our office cleaned up and organized for the first time EVER! That's exciting!

I'm grateful for the last 3 years and how my husband and I have grown so close. I can't remember what it was like without him. He's my rock, my anchor, my love and my hero. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father brought us together in the spring of 2005. So, our first date wasn't until summer, but we got to know each other a little after we met in May.

Give Thanks

After my last post, I remembered that my wallpaper on this blog says Give Thanks. I do try to always be grateful. Sometimes are harder than others. I have been tired and run down and those times are the hardest. At least I know that the others in my training class are feeling the same things I am. We were talking about that today.

I am not continuing with school. I have given it much thought, prayer and consideration. I cannot justify going into debt further for a career that I don't think I can tolerate. I have developed a really bad allergy to dogs. I can't touch one with my bare skin without breaking into hives. And it's even gone through my pants. I feel awful about it. But, at least I know now instead of a year from now. It breaks my heart to have such an allergy. I grew up with dogs and have never been allergic before. Only if I rubbed my eye without washing my hands after petting them. Ugh! I love what I've learned. It's been wonderful. I've even made a couple friends. I doubt we'll keep in contact, but they helped make classes more tolerable.

I'm doing better in training. I'm so grateful to have found this job. I am excited about being able to work from home. I will continue that indefinitely. I need to focus on my weight loss. It's my number one priority. So, my job will be working out, eating right and data entry from home.

I am going to start making a list of the things I'm grateful for. It could span several pages.

Crappy Week

I'm exhausted, frustrated and irritable on most respects right now. I have not been able to exercise all week because of this new schedule. I just can't figure out how I'm supposed to get my workouts in for the next few weeks. I don't even have enough time in the mornings to do my cardio. I prefer to do cardio in the morning. But, I can't drag myself out of bed any earlier than I already do. And I need to exercise on an empty stomach. I get sick if I go right after I eat. I don't want to go at 9pm. I didn't eat well this week, either.

I don't like the time of the training at all. They split my day so that I can't get anything done. It's a 30 minute drive to get there and a 30 minute drive home. I don't get a decent meal until 3pm. And, they won't give me any wrist rests. My hands and wrists are sore from all the data entry we're doing for training. The good news is that I know what I'm doing. Guess my past work experience for United Healthcare has come in handy.

That school up north has another opening (or is it the same one because the person they hired didn't work out?) for the job B applied for in September.He applied again. I'm kind of feeling like, "Here we go again." Eyeroll. I'm willing to bet that the reason I feel this way is that I'm exhausted, frustrated and irritable. I want him to get the job. I want out of this awful city. OK, this city isn't awful by city standards, but I HATE living in a city. I want to be in a small town again. I long for it. I just don't want us to be disappointed and downtrodden if he doesn't get it again this time. B called and they guy was encouraging. To that, I think, "Yeah, he was encouraging before, too." I hate being so cynical. If he gets an interview, I probably won't be able to go because of that training. And they listed the job starting on December 1. And they're not closing it until November 18! They cut it way too close! I'm not done with my training until December 5, at the earliest. We'll work something out.

OK, end of rant. Thanks for listening.

Another week, another pound

I lost a pound a week these past two weeks. At this rate, it will take me forever! At least I was down this week. I was afraid I would gain because of AF and the fact that I didn't eat as well. I can wear the clothes I wore when B and I were first married. Woohoo!

I'm back on the wagon, though. I went to the gym for the first time since June. I kicked my butt. My chest and biceps are starting to get sore.

B and I went to his cousin's baby blessing on Sunday. I really enjoyed being with his family. This cousin lives in Tooele and he and his wife have always been so kind to me. I am so glad that I feel so much better. Otherwise, I wouldn't have wanted to go, let alone had fun. Everyone noticed my weight loss. Of course, that made me feel even better! :) B and I represented his immediate family since his parents couldn't be there.

B wants to go to his parents for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I'm ok with that, of course, but I'm afraid of how seeing his sister with her baby will affect me. My last loss was due today. If she told me correctly, then her baby would be due in the next week or so. I'm not mad about her being pregnant anymore. That baby will be my neice or nephew. What worries me is how I will handle seeing that baby so much, knowing that we would've had one the same age. *sigh*