Feelin' the love

I don't know why I'm so excited for Valentine's Day. With my luck, it will be my team's turn to work. But, I'm looking forward to it - Valentine's Day, not work. Maybe it's because I'm feeling more optimistic and more love from others than I've felt in a long time.

I started the Enbrel on Dec. 31. Already, the rheumatoid nodule (or nubbin, as they are affectionately, and humorously, called by some friends) on my right elbow is practically non-existent. It wasn't very big, but now it's hard to find. The ones on my thumb are half the size they were and I've noticed one of the ones on my left elbow is considerably smaller! So far, I :heart: Enbrel!

And the vegan diet is going really well. I feel better every day. If only I didn't have the progesterone mood swings from you know where, but I guess that's a good sign. My moods were swinging before I started the cream and I had a nice, big temp spike the day I ovulated. I lost 3 pounds this week so far. I've really noticed it around my waist, shoulders and arms. I'm stoked!

Now, getting enough sleep is going to have to become more of a priority....

Feeling good...

I have to say that the past 10 days have been much easier than I thought they would be. Giving up meat wasn't bad. I actually feel really good. Especially since the past few days, I have increased my veggie intake, along with adding new seeds to my salads. I have noticed that I'm eating a lot of bread, though. Oh, how I love bread. I will weigh again on Monday. I hope the bread intake doesn't hurt me.

Sprouting seeds and nuts is so easy. And they taste so good! Processed foods have lost their appeal to me. They don't taste good at all. Even B has noticed that. He no longer craves Wendy's or other fast food. Not even pizza. Even though he has been eating meat, he is getting more veggies, and hasn't complained about it.

And I think I've almost kicked my headaches. I had very little sugar yesterday and none so far today. I'm hoping that will continue to help. Sprouted flax seed helps to control hormones and I think that has helped my headaches tremendously.

I did give myself my Enbrel shot on Wednesday. It was easier this time, since I knew what to expect. It hurts a little. I wonder if that's because it's cold. I might try to let it warm up to room temperature next time. That substitute nurse didn't fax in my paperwork to Enbrel for my free month supply of the meds the way she was supposed to. My doctor's real nurse was ticked off about that. I have to go on Monday and fill it out again and then pick up the free meds by Wednesday.

No Progress?

I haven't had a bite of meat since last Tuesday. I was challenged to go one week without meat and see how I feel. Overall, I feel much better. My stomach doesn't have the tenseness and pain it did before. I feel like I have a bit more energy. My body is not working so hard just to digest my food. I have found that sprouted seeds and nuts are my friends. They taste much better than I thought they would.

So why did I step on the scales today and see that I've gained 2 pounds since Thursday? I wonder what I ate to do that? I had cake and ice cream on my birthday, but surely it wouldn't have made me gain weight. I did feel kind of bloated today. I hope that's all it is.

Boy, am I sleepy. I really hate these sleeping habits B and I have kept these past few weeks. We really need to get into bed earlier. It's driving me insane.

Could this be the answer?

Autoimmune diseases suck in so many ways. Especially RA. I mean, not just the pain. Why did my body turn on itself? Why are my cells attacking my joints and anything else it can? Ugh! I'm actually pretty optimistic right now, but I can't help but wonder what went wrong.

When I found out exactly what the process was that is involved with RA, I started asking a lot of questions. I mean, what is the problem with my T-cells? Why do they keep dumping all the antibodies into my system and attacking in a random way? Could this be why I have had a miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies? I mean, I know that I am supposed to have children and why do I not have them yet? It's been 3 years. I've been promised in multiple blessings that I will have my own children in this life. Could my T-cells be attacking my baby? Is that why my pregnancies have never progressed?

The answer is yes. Now I mourn all the losses that may have been that I did not know about. My immune system has always been super good at what it does. Typically, I heal quickly and efficiently. Doctors have always commented about that. And there have been several studies that I have run across that found that women with autoimmune diseases have a higher risk at miscarriage, or the fertilized egg never implanting properly because the immune system attacks it since it contains foreign genetic material from the father. So, I have to suppress my immune system before I can carry a baby to term.

I'm glad to know the answer, but am sad that it took this long to figure it out. I pray that as I begin Enbrel this week, B and I will be able to come to terms with this new information and that this will be the answer to our prayers.

And, I'm researching something new. I'm considering gradually becoming vegan. I can't believe I'm even considering it. I love meat. Steak is my favorite. That's my Popa's doing. He loved his steaks. We charcoal grilled them whenever we got a chance. As you may know, I prefer holistic approaches for health problems to most Western medicine. I don't believe that taking a pill will cure your problem. It usually creates new ones. We have friends who are not only vegans, but they eat all raw. They overcame huge health problems that way. We spent a couple hours with them yesterday and told us a lot of what they know. We left feeling a little overwhelmed, but I felt like I'd found what I was looking for. I don't like the idea of taking Enbrel for long. I wondered how I can naturally get my body to stop attacking itself. Craig challenged me to give up meat for one week and to see how I feel. We can get our protein from plants as easily as getting it from meat. I'm praying and researching those options right now. The food they gave us to taste was delicious. And she lost 100 pounds eating like that and she eats all she wants and doesn't gain anything.

I've been so blessed these past several weeks since I got back to my spiritual journey. I feel like I've been led in so many things. I will move forward in faith, with a smile on my face and great and strong purpose in my heart. I know that God works miracles, all it takes is just a little faith to get us started.

A year of stress....

I've had the opportunity the past few days to reflect on my life this past year. I think I can sum it up all in one word...stress.

My job stressed me out more than I could ever imagine. I can't believe that it did. I mean, working for the LDS Church is supposed to be Heaven, right? Everyone is righteous and all walk around with halos on their heads and are the most spiritual people in the world. Why would I possibly be stressed out? Wasn't that the ideal job situation?

Uh, no. I utter no words of criticism towards the LDS Church. I love the church. I still know that it's true. I don't doubt that. It's the people. We're not perfect. Even the ones who think they are...well, aren't. Those were the hardest ones to work with. Everyone had a job to do and they did it, quite often not thinking about the effect the WAY they did their job effected other people. B told me that if my manager ever left, that I should go right after. I should've done so in June when Doug left. Lord knows things went downhill from there.

Well, now that we've established the source of my stress, I looked to see how I handled it. My conclusion is: VERY badly. I turned into the wicked witch of the West. I said things to people that I never before would've said. I was negative, pessimistic, pissy...oh, did I mention, obnoxious? I behaved badly. I judged people when they judged me, sometimes even if they didn't judge me. I thought that maybe if I judged first, it would take the irritation of being judged away. Now, I'm becoming my own therapist.

The bottom line is that I strayed so far from who I am and what I believe I should be that it made me quite intolerable. I'm so blessed to have come through all this still clinging to the love of my friends and that they still love me.

I have made some resolutions. I know it's not the new year yet and that doesn't matter. I make resolutions whenever I feel like it and resolutions are needed. I am now studying my scriptures daily, praying more often, listening to more uplifting music and talks/books/etc and curbing my complaining. I am going to watch less TV (which includes the news), focus on my spirituality more and feed myself more positive thoughts.

I really must get back to who I really am. I'm afraid of who I've become. I really didn't like it when my friend told me that I complain all the time and she thought that was who I am. Really? ALL the time? I must be more positive. I am going back to my favorite quote and live it more fully. "Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart." Gordon B. Hinckley. Yes, that is who I used to be. I shall be that person once again.

Oh, and just to clarify, I've never been one of those annoyingly perky Molly Mormons and I don't ever intend to be. In fact, if I do become like that, please give me a swift kick in the ass. :)

I Made It

I actually made a decision. It's been one of the most difficult one I've had to make in a long time. After much debating and research, I finally decided to pray about it and, after finding out my copay on the $1,500 drug is only $20, I need to start the Enbrel. My appointment with my rheumatologist is on the 19th. I'll tell her then and we'll get started. I hate taking medicine. I have to be hurting pretty badly to even take Advil. Even though I'm having such mild symptoms (nothing like the total pain I had months ago), I know that the disease is eating away at my joints. I feel so helpless knowing that my body has turned on itself. I feel better knowing why my immune system is attacking my joints, but I don't like it any better.

I don't want to end up crippled because of damage from the inflammation. My ankle has been very sore lately and I've had mild pain in my hands. Probably the change in the weather. My doc told me that my rheumatoid nodules will go away with the medication, too. That will be another relief because they hurt.

This week has been busy. I finished training on Wednesday. I have been without internet since then because my thin client won't play nice with our network. It was either work or internet and I had to sacrifice my internet because I had to work. Right now, my thin client is not connected. B will contact the company's tech support on Monday to get it to work with our network.

B and I raked leaves at our stake center tonight. It took us 3 hours. I've never raked so much in my life. Every inch of my body hurt. I actually took 4 Advil because I hurt so badly. (I'm also still sore from the tough Tae Bo workout from yesterday.) I'm glad we did it. Service always makes us feel better.

Gratitude seems to bring opposition

This week sucked more than I can say. Our chiropractor's mom passed away on Monday. He's a good friend of ours, otherwise, we wouldn't drive clear to Draper at rush hour to see him. My heart breaks for him. I started thinking about how I miss my own mama and how I felt when I lost her. I still feel her with me at times.

Then, on Tuesday, I got kicked out of the EAGeR study-the one about the effects of low dose aspirin on conception and pregnancy. I already had the monitor and test sticks and all the stuff they gave me. I guess they found out that I was just diagnosed with RA. The doctor decided I would be ineligible for the study because of it. That really broke my heart. I was so excited about it.

Not ten minutes after I got off the phone with the nurse who had just told me I had to bring all my stuff back (I couldn't even keep the cheap $2 tote bag they gave me), B came home and told me that Elisha had gone into labor. He can't help but feel that it should've been us. Because I'm not used to seeing him upset about anything, let alone about us not having a baby, I lost it. I started thinking about my pain, my losses, letting my husband down, etc.

So, we decided we wouldn't go to the inlaws' for Thanksgiving. I mean, we are still fighting bad colds. We could just relax at home. I started spotting that day. That was a tough blow to an already stressed out and emotional woman. Then, B's dad called and said that Elisha's baby was up here at Primary Children's Hospital because of a heart murmur. I was confused. Aren't heart murmurs fairly normal in newborns? We had to go meet him at the hospital to pick up computers for B to fix. He tried to drag us inside. I couldn't do it. Not only was I already an emotional basketcase, but I'd started spotting. I hate af. Bryant went in and I stayed in the car. We found out later that the reason they were keeping the baby is that he has some sort of infection, probably strep, because Elisha tested positive for it. He's still there. B's dad stayed with us last night.

Now, af is here full force. I'm sick, bloated, depressed and cranky. So what are we going to do today? We're going to have our Christmas pictures taken! Isn't that just a grand idea?

Thanksgiving ended up nicely, though. We met our friend Heidi, her daughter Pyper and her mom Holly at Little America (her husband Brian couldn't come, he's sick too) for dinner. Not the buffet, the other restaurant. It was a nice visit. And we got our office cleaned up and organized for the first time EVER! That's exciting!

I'm grateful for the last 3 years and how my husband and I have grown so close. I can't remember what it was like without him. He's my rock, my anchor, my love and my hero. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father brought us together in the spring of 2005. So, our first date wasn't until summer, but we got to know each other a little after we met in May.